Chris DeLine

Long-playing music videos are something that few acts can actually pull off. Those such as Metallica’s “All Nightmare Long” get lost within their own plots while classics such as Michael Jackson’s 14 minute “Thriller” are untouchable in their cohesiveness; somewhere in the middle lands this new nine and a half minute offering from Lady Gaga and Beyoncé.

The first line of dialog in the Tarantino-esque voyage is muttered between a pair of security guards as they finish stripping Gaga down while throwing her in a cell of an all female prison, “I told you she didn’t have a dick.” Regardless of whether she may or may not be of some strange mixed gender, Gaga’s still confusing and very difficult to watch at times.

Take for instance the cigarette-covered pair of sunglasses she wears in the prison yard, there’s definitely a line between being fashionably ahead of the curve and just wearing some straight-up stupid shit—it’s almost absurd how much of the latter Gaga ends up wearing in “Telephone.” Oscar Wilde once said “A fashion is merely a form of ugliness so unbearable that we are compelled to alter it every six months.” Gaga’s fashion is apparently so unbearable that it needs to be changed every 30 seconds or so. That alone should speak volumes.

Aside from the hideous costumes, the lack of Beyoncé’s presence in the first half of the video, multiple awkward group dance sequences, and about as many Virgin Mobile product placements as there are bare midriffs, the video is actually quite good. As is the song, but even if you’re not a fan of the music, “Telephone” stands as a tremendous undertaking which ultimately lands far closer to “Thriller” than it does the lowly “All Nightmare Long.”

[This post was first published by Culture Bully.]