Chris DeLine

OK, here it is, my pal Jon and I are watchin’ Black Sheep and we were discussing the semantics surrounding Chris Farley’s Death. We came to the conclusion that Matthew Perry is inadvertently responsible for the death of one Mr. Christopher Crosby Farley. Here’s how it works: Chris Farley’s all out, 100%, best movies (Black Sheep & Tommy Boy) were completed with one David Spade. Spade, as we all know is not funny. Nor is he hilarious, humorous, side-slappingly funny, side splittingly-funny, mildly amusing, entertaining, worthy of a good ol’ knee slap, and most certainly he is most certainly far from whimsical. But he made the ultimate yang to Farley’s ying, and he did so drug-free. No biggie…or is it?

Enter scene: Matthew Perry. Chris Farley, a notoriously straightlaced, drug free saint, insisted on completing his work towards the historical glorification of the accurate portrayal of Lewis & Clark’s main competition in the movie (film) Almost Heroes. But David Spade was no where to be found. Why David…why? Matthew Perry, corrupter of wholesome family values, came on the scene, raising hell, and literally, taking names. For the record, Chris Farley was indeed one of said names.

The ever-drunk, ever-stoned Perry, who rarely remembered a scripted line and often referred to director Christopher Guest as “Satchmo,” began wreaking havoc on the set. Chris Farley, ever the word of reason and often quoted as “I’ve had my limit for the evening thank you,” was one of his victims. Instantly causing a drug-fueled riot on the set, Perry viciously insisted on “pushing” his wares on other actors, including SCTV’s Eugene Levy, The Big Hit’s Bokeen Woodbine and, yes, even Beverly Hills Ninja’s Chris Farley. As such, mayhem ensued. But where was David Spade?

Indulging on a whimsical dose of donuts and (alcohol free) Yoo-Hoo, Spade was in Hackensack, New Jersey, entertaining “of age” “entertainers” during the duration of Almost Heroes. Disposing of his friendship with Farley, Spade took no notice of the man’s downfall, and subsequent befriending of Matthew Perry. Damn him! (Note: furthermore, Spade’s current Showbiz Show is not funny, nor will it be funny as long as David Spade continues his affiliation with said show) David Spade, you sir, sold out. Fact.

As all of this was undoubtedly occurring, Matthew Perry was forcing, “Just Say No” campaign spokesman, Chris Farley into a world of hurt. With drugs, alcohol, hookers and most importantly drugs involved, Farley fell deeper and deeper into a desperate world of insane paranoia. Violence followed. Weight gain followed. And most saddening, comparisons to the late John Belushi followed. It was all downhill for the man.

Perry’s habits rubbed off, with the exception of his indisputable reign as the king of pirated, family-themed DVDs. No one really understands that, but some people are strange, Perry is one of them. As all this happened Almost Heroes went from a historically correct reinterpretation of a duo’s journey across the U.S. into a warped, inaccurate mockery of one of the most important points in American history. A shame; a damn shame. I believe that the rest, as the saying goes, is history. And I lay the blame on one Matthew Perry. Subsequently, by association, David Spade is to blame. But for the sake of this post’s popularity, it’s all on you Perry. It’s all on you.

[This post was first published by Culture Bully.]